Killing them with kindness

How choosing patience over frustration changed the conversation completely

There’s a phrase people use all the time:

“Kill them with kindness.”

Usually half-joking.

But every now and then, you get reminded there’s actually something quite powerful in it.

This week was one of those moments.

Sometimes you’re just trying to do your job

Part of what we do involves pulling together project information for future bids, case studies and submissions.

On paper, it sounds simple.

Ask a few questions.
Gather some information.
Pull it together.

But in reality, the detail you need rarely sits neatly in a folder somewhere.

The valuable bits usually come from the people who delivered the project. The people who were on site. The people who dealt with the problems, sequencing issues, challenges and solutions in real time.

That operational insight matters.

Because there’s a big difference between knowing a project existed and understanding how it was delivered.

So recently, I reached out to someone involved in a past project to ask for a bit of help.

Nothing unusual.

At least, not from my side.

I sent an initial email, then followed it up with another to reassure them the information didn’t need to be polished or time-consuming. Even bullet points, notes or a few photos would’ve helped.

And then the response came back.

Then the tone changed

It was… blunt.

Very blunt.

The response made it pretty clear the conversation wasn’t particularly welcome. 

And honestly, when I read it, my blood was boiling for a few minutes.

Not because I thought the person was a bad person.

But because when you’re genuinely trying to help, and you know the request itself is reasonable, it’s hard not to take something like that personally.

Particularly when the whole reason you’re asking is because current records only tell part of the story.

The real value sits with the people who delivered the work.

I remember sitting looking at the email thinking:

“Fine. I just won’t bother replying.”

And to be honest, that probably would’ve been the easier option.

Maybe they thought I was the problem

But the longer I sat with it, the more I started looking at it differently.

The reality is, people get bombarded constantly now.

Emails.
Calls.
LinkedIn messages.
Requests.
Follow-ups.

Half the time, people don’t know whether something is genuine, important, sales-related or spam.

And if someone doesn’t fully understand why you’re asking, I can completely see how it might start to feel frustrating or intrusive.

Particularly when they’re already busy.

For all I knew, they thought I was just another person creating work for them.

So instead of responding emotionally, or not responding at all, I tried something else.

I explained the context properly.

Why we were asking.
Why operational input mattered.
Why we weren’t looking for pages of information or perfectly written answers.

And more importantly, I tried to do it kindly.

No sarcasm.
No defensiveness.
No passive aggressive “well actually…” response.

Just a calm explanation from one person to another.

Funny how quickly conversations can change

The tone shifted almost immediately.

Not because anyone admitted fault.
Not because there was some dramatic resolution.

Just because the conversation became human again.
Suddenly, the conversation became constructive instead of defensive. 

Same conversation.
Same people.
Completely different direction.

And it reminded me how often people respond to tone more than words. 

Most situations don’t need “won”

That’s probably the biggest thing I took from it afterwards.

So many interactions escalate simply because both sides start defending their position instead of trying to understand the other person’s.

And if we’re honest, most of us do it.

Especially over email.

Because email strips away all the things that normally soften communication:

Tone
Expression
Intent
Humour
Context

You read words based on the mood you’re already in when they land in your inbox.

And once you decide someone’s being difficult, it’s very easy to respond in a way that makes things worse.

But sometimes the strongest response isn’t matching energy.

It’s lowering the temperature instead.

And the funny thing is, kindness usually costs nothing.

A calmer reply.
A bit of patience.
Giving someone the benefit of the doubt for five minutes longer than you maybe want to.

Small things.

And in reality, it probably takes far more energy to stay angry or frustrated than it does to just respond calmly in the first place.

But small things have a habit of changing the direction of conversations far more than people realise.

Kindness isn’t weakness

I think people sometimes confuse kindness with being passive.

It’s not.

In reality, staying calm when someone’s being abrupt is usually much harder than firing something back.

Especially when you could probably justify doing it.

But professionalism isn’t really tested when everything’s easy.

It shows up in moments where conversations could go badly, and don’t.

Because someone chooses not to push them there.

What stuck with me afterwards

What started as a genuinely uncomfortable interaction ended up becoming a productive conversation.

Not because anyone “won”.

Not because one side backed down.

Just because the tone changed.

That’s it.

And it was a good reminder that people are rarely as hostile as they first appear in a single email.

Sometimes they misunderstand the situation completely.
Sometimes they’re stressed.
Sometimes they’re overwhelmed.

And sometimes, a bit of patience changes the entire direction of the conversation.

Sometimes a calmer response changes far more than the conversation itself. 

#withyouforthejourney #communication #bidwriting